Accept yourself and let life and happiness embrace

Dear Teacher Yang: Hello! I have a lot of perplexing and vexing problems, because I am introverted and have few friends. I usually keep everything in my heart. Now I have a lot of problems, and I need your help to enlighten me. Let me talk about my growth experience, I started from kindergarten until the third grade of primary school is the object of boys bullying, in their eyes I am very obedient, very good, very easy to bully. In class, there were always people pulling your braids or lifting your chair, and I was very nervous every day, it was a kind of torture, because you don't know when the next second he will suddenly prank you again, even in class. I do not know whether it is the second grade or the third grade in primary school, my deskmate is the most naughty boy in the class, there is a class teacher did not come to the classroom is a mess, noisy, heckling. I vaguely remember that my deskmate, I don't know what I was thinking, suddenly pulled down the pants I was wearing, and afterwards appeared to gloat and be indifferent. It was an awkward moment. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to disappear. I cried and said that I was going to tell the teacher, and a female student sitting in front of me said, "How are you going to tell the teacher, how are you going to open your mouth?" Insulted, but unable to speak, but why did I dare not tell the teacher, why do so compromise, why so weak? Another deep impression is that when I was in the third grade of primary school, my deskmate was also a domineering boy. In order to grab my study stationery, he severely scratched my hand with his fingernails. Because of such things, I became more introverted, and people seem to have been pleasing others, wronged will not say anything, become do not trust anyone, feel that living in their own world is the safest. Now, those are in the past, I will also say to myself that no one will bully you, you don't have to be afraid, you can put down your fear, and freely interact with people (maybe I am usually too closed myself, there are some social fear, very afraid of others looking at me, sometimes I will ask myself, what is wrong with being looked at by others, I am not bad, why would I be uncomfortable?) Hey! Why am I afraid of so many things ah, do things are in retreat, feel very tired heart. Am I being too negative? In addition, is the emotional problem, this year I have been 27 years old, some girls of this age have been married and have children, but I have not determined the object, the main reason may be that I am introverted, lack of confidence, as said above live in their own world, usually in addition to work, I mostly stay at home, even relatives rarely visit. When I was 26 years old, my parents and relatives introduced me to blind dates, but I refused all of them. I thought that people with my personality would not like me, and even if I had some good feelings at the beginning, I would leave me because of my personality shortcomings, so I refused. Others think that I am lofty, to introduce you to the object, you still refuse, in fact, I am afraid that I can not bear the responsibility, can not give each other happiness, psychological age personality is like a child. When I was 26 years old, I worked as a temporary worker in a company, and this job was only possible because my parents had to support them (isn't this society mostly dependent on relationships?). At that time, my parents have been urging me to find an object, I really can't, just met a boy who seems to like me in the unit, at that time, I did not want to, the heart is a horizontal, answer should try to see him, he gave me the first impression is that kind of very honest and dull people, after understanding and found that he and my character is very similar, introverted, no opinion, not decisive, some timid, place Be afraid and timid. However, he often helps me in work and life, I am very grateful to him, I also told him that I want to change my job to learn something, because this work is only temporary, think about it in the future according to my character, eloquence is not good, ability is not strong, I should learn what skills, so I resigned to a catering school to learn to do western points (I am more interested), when When I did not discuss with my parents to make this decision, so later my parents know after very angry, put such a good job do not have a good reputation, the work is easy, although the salary is not high, they think I was wrong, actually would make such a decision. They feel that it is not useful to learn this, the reputation is not good, and the work is tired and the salary is not high. Now that I think about it, I was crazy. Why did I make that decision? Why didn't I think about the consequences? There's no use regretting it now. And this boy, in fact, I don't like him at all, I hate cowardly people (from his behavior can be seen), so at the end of the year I proposed to break up. When my father found out, he scolded me, saying that I did things without thinking. My father said that because taking into account practical problems, I am 27 years old, afraid that the older I get, the more difficult it is to find, my education is not high, the job is not very good, the only condition is that the family economy is good, the appearance is also good. So my parents asked me to stay with this boy, go on blind dates with other people, and give up this boy if I meet a suitable one. My heart is very painful, this is a moral sorry to the boy, my heart is not in this boy. But because my parents asked, I can only keep with him against my will. As the saying goes, there is no cause without effect, I think I realized this time, and finally the most painful is my own, like hanging in mid-air, neither above nor below, why did I not consider, what should I do? If I don't have a date by the end of the year, I'm afraid I'll have to go with this boy, but I don't like him. If because of the age of the relationship, the reality of the problem, I can only accept him, then is married for a lifetime of things (for marriage and marriage), I know I do not love him, hate his character, how do I accept this reality, how do I make a decision, the next determination, I really can not accept now, I am so sad, how do I want to open, think through? Did I do this to myself? What is my hope for life? Look forward to your enlightening! This friend: Hello! First of all, I want to tell you that the past has passed, and we have no ability and cannot grasp the past, so there is no need to bother us with the past. Things in the future are still in the future, and we have no ability or possibility to control things in the future, so we should not expect too much from things in the future. In fact, we can only grasp the moment - the time to read to read, the time to talk to talk, the time to exercise to exercise... Do what you should do at present, and try your best to do what you should do well at present, then we will naturally come out of their own wonderful! Secondly, I want to tell you that everyone will have a little uncomfortable or nervous anxiety before interacting with others, which is a very normal psychological performance. Since it is a very normal psychological manifestation, what we need is to accept this discomfort or tension and anxiety, and bring them with us to interact with others. When you bring this tension and discomfort to interact with others more often, then your tension anxiety and discomfort will gradually reduce or disappear. You say, "I will also tell myself that no one will bully you, you don't have to be afraid, you can put down your fear, and freely interact with others," which is to say that you feel that interacting with others should not have tension and discomfort, and must not be nervous in front of others, the result of doing so not only can not reduce your tension and discomfort, but will make yourself more and more nervous More and more uncomfortable. Therefore, in interpersonal communication, we should admit that we have tension and discomfort, but also let this tension and discomfort exist, and take this tension and discomfort to communicate is the key. Again, you said, "This year I am 27 years old, some girls of this age have been married and have children, but I have not determined the object, the main reason may be that I am introverted, lack of confidence, as said above, live in their own world, usually in addition to work, I mostly stay at home, even relatives rarely visit." ... I don't think people like my character, and even if they had some good feelings at the beginning, they would leave me because of my personality shortcomings." If you want me to say that you are not "introverted, lack of confidence" and emotional problems, but it is not to accept their own character characteristics - shy, shy, and others, especially unfamiliar people talk, there will be nervous, uncomfortable psychological reaction. Because you do not accept your own character characteristics, force yourself to be calm and steady in front of others, the result will make others feel that you are lofty or difficult to get along with, and naturally there will be other people away from you. Since introverted people will naturally appear shy, shy, nervous, uncomfortable psychological reaction is a normal psychological and behavioral performance, then we do not need to hide their tension and anxiety, with the inner language to tell themselves "nervous, nervous, this is normal for me", but also tell their own tension and anxiety to friends In this way, the tension and anxiety will be reduced and disappeared, and at the same time, the other party will feel that you are an honest and trustworthy person, and your communication with the other party will continue. Fourth, you said, "I'm afraid I can't bear the responsibility, can't give each other happiness", here I want to say is: it's not that you can't bear the responsibility, nor can you give each other happiness, the key is that you want to make yourself a perfect person. As the saying goes, "no one is perfect, gold is not enough", which means that perfect people do not exist in this world, everyone has their own advantages and disadvantages. Psychological research shows that in interpersonal communication, people do not like those who appear perfect in front of others, and the most popular is those who reveal their true selves to others and have some shortcomings. Therefore, when you interact with others, do not pay too much attention to each other's influence on you, and do not care too much about your shortcomings, as long as you do your own etiquette and sincerity, then our purpose will be achieved. When dealing with others, do not overestimate each other, think that they are not as good as him, or even nothing, should think more about their strengths. This way you will be able to interact with others naturally. Fifth, each of us seeks happiness, pleasure, joy and love of life, and each of us can have happiness, pleasure, joy and love of life. Where is the life we seek and can have? To put it bluntly, it is in our current thoughts, concepts and attitudes. As long as we change our thoughts, concepts and attitudes, give up and move on from the past, start all over again, start from scratch, when we take a new step, we will not only get everything we want, but also let us regain our dignity and self-confidence. Sixth, regarding your relationship with the current boy, since you don't like and can't accept him, then you should follow your heart and break up with him. In fact, as long as your attitude changes and you accept your own personality characteristics, then you will certainly change your image in the past, of course, you will expand your range of contacts, and naturally the people you like will come to you as desired. Seventh, face the reality and look at society correctly, look at life, look at their own situation, have psychological preparation to deal with setbacks, accept the right amount of frustration experience, that is, appropriate to "see the world through wind and rain". Some people say that life is like a basket of problems. Just as the problems on this side are patched up, the problems on the other side are leaked out. Life is a process of constantly having problems and constantly solving problems, just like an equation that does not know the answer, although we do not know whether there is a solution to this equation, we do not know how many solutions there are, and we do not know which solution is the best, but what we follow is to seek advantages and avoid disadvantages, so that our hearts are full of happiness, pleasure, happiness and love . So we have to be aware of our surroundings and adjust ourselves to adapt to them as best we can. Eighth, to understand the self, face up to the self, find out their shortcomings and deficiencies, the correct way to look at others, when in learning, life encountered difficulties, setbacks, to think more in the heart, why will cause this, what causes, you can use what method to solve, to realize that depression, pessimism is not helpful, but to cheer up, can solve it If you can't solve it, try to forget it. Ninth, to have an optimistic attitude to life, to smile to face the people and things every day, open-minded to enrich their knowledge, make more friends, out of the self-fiefdom; Speak freely, express your distress and what is in your heart, don't be too demanding on yourself, be realistic; Believe and use your power to believe that you can control your life, change it, and control your destiny. Believe that you can control yourself, transform yourself, and master your own development path. The above is only some personal opinions and suggestions, your friend Yang Yonglong please criticize reference.